Am I Going Mad or Am I Just a Mommy?

Phrases that spell T.R.O.U.B.L.E

These are in no particular order, and, I might add, all heard around these parts within the last week.

From the Forty-Year-Old Man:

"Uh, I'll be back in a minute.  I have to go to Home Depot again."
 (This is usually preceded by a smattering of colorful words.  Man in question does not return for at least 90 minutes.)

"Have you seen that Home Depot bag/receipt?....You know, the one that was sitting on the counter/hanging on the doorknob right here? "  
 (How to distinguish said bag/receipt from all others scattered about the house is a mystery.)

"Have you seen your blog today? Hehehe!  Check it out!"

"Um, so we had some paint in a yogurt container in the garage that we forgot about?  But everything's fine now."  (More on this later.)

From the Five-Year-Old Boy  :

"Mommy?  When you microwave popcorn, is there always a lot of smoke?"   (Sunday morning wake-up call,approx 6:15 am )

"I got myself some grape juice.  It is good.  And don't worry Mommy, I only spilled a little bit."  (What is it with these wake-up calls?)

From the Two-Year-Old Girl:

"Ta daaaaa!"  (This one can send shivers down one's spine.  Seriously.)

"I need more gwoo!"  (Time to hide the cat again.)

"Mommy, I have poop.  I changed diaper myself." 

From the Personal Trainer:

"Don't worry, I'll go easy on you.  Although last week I did made a guy throw up."


From Emergency Room Doctor to Nurse:

"Bring me a 25 gauge needle.  And she'll need  4 more cc's of morphine." 

(Spinal Tap=Fun times!)

Well, that pretty much sums up my last week and a half.  What spells T.R.O.U.B.L.E around your house?

Manic Monday

Ah, the eighties!  I'm about to break into song here.  Except it's 5:43 am and now I'm starting to fade.

Insomnia sucks!

After laying in bed listening to Super Dad snore lightly for oh, five and a half hours, I finally got out of bed.  I'm not really positive why I didn't sleep,although it may have had something to do with the GQ article I read before bed last night.  The one with this guy on the cover.

Mmmmm!  I mean, the articles were all very informative and really well written.  (Since when did I become a cougar?)

Okay,out of love and fairness for Super Dad, I will now post one of his favorite hotties here as well:

 

(I really like her dress, and wonder where she got it.  If I could get a cheap knock-off somewhere, I could definitely pull off the cleavage, if I do say so myself.)

Anyway, back to the insomnia:  I'd be very satisfied with my accomplishments if I had not hit a wall by now.  So far I have:

- Fought off the cat, who is purring like a motorboat, clearly delighted that someone is up and no one else is competing for my attention;

- Pushed said cat off computer keyboard (after scratching under his chin of course.  I'm not heartless.);

- Chatted with some very nice ladies in Australia;

- Dispensed translation and pregnancy advice to a friend in France;

- Done my Dancing with the Stars Latin Cardio DVD;

- Made son's preschool snack: Today he's having a medley of strawberries and grapes and tiny soy nut butter sandwiches shaped like cars and airplanes.

- Had breakfast (corn flakes with strawberries).

Pretty good, right? 

Now I have to brace myself because the rest of the house is about to wake up, and more specifically the five year old boy with boundless energy, and the two-and-a-half year old girl (She's two...'nuff said.)

Oh my goodness, in the flurry of activity I almost forgot to take the medication that my gastroenterologist prescribed for me.  Here they are:

 

                                                                   Pill  # 1                    

                                             

                                                                Pill # 2

Oh, and did I forget to mention that I am not allowed to drink any coffee?  No caffeine whatsoever.  My GI guy is a sick bastard!

I'm screwed!

I can envision my afternoon now:  I will be passed out and drooling on the couch.  Meanwhile the two year old will be climbing all over the couch and tap dancing in her party shoes on the kitchen counter tops while her older brother tries to hit her while testing out his new light sabre.

Pray for me, please!

Tales from the Truck

Let me be clear from the outset.  This tale is not about me, since I drive a cheerio and goldfish-littered Toyota Sienna that has been known to smell like sour milk from time to time.  This tale involves my dear brother, who happens to be a firefighter-  hence the title.  I assure you, his shiny red truck is as immaculate as my vehicle is filthy.

My brother is typically very closed-mouthed about his job.  From all accounts when he is on duty, he is either (probably in this order):

a) grocery shopping, because firefighters love to eat...a lot;

b) sleeping, eating, or watching TV;

c) en route to a false alarm;
 
d) returning to any of the aforementioned activities after said false alarm (usually it's to grocery shopping);

e)  actually dealing with something that is actually life-threatening and/or downright disturbing.

Today's anecdote falls into the last category. 

One day a 911 call came into the station:  Male in apparent cardiac distress at Catholic church nearby.

Super Brother and the his fellow firefighters arrived at the scene post haste to observe a man who had collapsed near the front pew of the church.  It was obvious the man was in bad shape, and the firefighters worked quickly to assist.  Super Brother was busy applying leads for the cardiac monitor to the man's chest when he felt a tap on his shoulder. 

It was the priest. 

"Uh, any chance we could move this along?" he inquired impatiently, nudging his head towards the parishioners who were beginning to enter the church for Mass.

My brother gave him a wide-eyed look, his mouth hanging open in disbelief. "We're doing the best we can," was all he could muster, while trying to concentrate on saving the man's life.  The firefighters continued on with their work to stabilize their patient. 

Three minutes later...

Tap, tap, tap. 

The priest again- "Perhaps when the ambulance arrives, we could all take a moment to pause in the vestibule?" suggested the man of the cloth.  While clearly the ailing man was not ready for the Last Rites, timing was everything and he had to be transported to the hospital without delay.  The firefighters gave the priest a look and didn't bother to respond.  The ambulance and paramedics arrived, and the sick man was wheeled inside the vehicle in a flurry of activity.

Timing was indeed everything to everyone on this morning.

Instead of showing piety and compassion for the sick, the priest was more intent on Mass starting promptly.  Failing that, making a grand show of blessing the man in front of his other parishioners as they arrived was next on his mind.   Purely disturbing.

The good news is that the man who was having a heart attack most likely survived.

I just hope he found a new church to attend.

Really? Like they don't have enough toys?

Gotta keep that kid out of my bedroom!  And if LifeStyles is reading this, I hope you appreciate the  free  advertising. 

Preschooler Excuses

RJ: Mommy, I can't clean my room because my back is aching.............Mommy, what does "aching" mean?

Yes, as you might have guessed, I have thrown out my back.   How did I do it?  By hitting the snooze button on the alarm clock!  Absolutely pathetic.

Getting old sucks.

My Present from Preschool

Did you think I was talking about a finger painting that my son brought home for me?  A multimedia masterpiece fashioned out of glue, glitter, pom poms and macaroni? 

If only that were true!

I have two words for you:

stomach flu

Fortunately, RJ is over the worst of it, and baby and Daddy remain unafflicted.

Mood Swinging Mommy will be back when she stops begging Super Dad to put her out of her misery.  In the meanwhile, please feel free to visit my "Best Of" section or discover one of the fantastic reads in my blog roll.

On Anonymity

Dear Readers,

You may want to click away and come back tomorrow, for Moodswinging Mommy is getting all stream-of-consciousy today.  Besides, she hasn't yet had her coffee.  (As if inventing words isn't proof enough.)   If you are of a brave sort, then by all means, read on...

When it comes to the Internet, anonymity is both a blessing and a curse.

As a blogger, I cannot enjoy one of its blessings.   My family and friends read my blog.  Some read it regularly enough to make me censor the topics on which I choose to write.  (Message to Family and Friends: Yes, I can see you,even if you don't leave me comments.  Did I mention to you that I LOVE COMMENTS?  Never mind. That's a topic for another day.) Super Dad also reserves the right to final editorial approval. Since I blog about him and have to live with him, that's just best for our marriage, not to mention that it's common courtesy.  To that, I might add that he's an open-minded fellow and has only exercised this option once or twice.

Sigh.  So much bloggable material left untouched.  And trust me when I say that it's really good stuff, too.

Damn. 

I can, however, take comfort in the greatest gift of anonymity, or semi-anonymity in my case: protection of my loved ones from the sickos who roam the Internet.  If you are especially observant, you may have noticed that I removed the pictures of my children from my blog a couple of days ago. All that remains are a few that do not show their complete faces.  That will be my policy from now on. 

Why did I post them in the first place?  Well, it isn't because I am naive.  Indeed, I have been using pseudonyms since day one.  So why include pictures?   I did so for the simple reason that this blog started out as a means to keep in touch with family and friends.  As other bloggers have found with their own creations, my little corner of the Internet has evolved into something more.  Much to my great surprise, I now have a greater audience.   In real life, I would have no qualms inviting the majority of my readers home to tea.  If I were to encounter others, I would bolt my door and possibly dial 9-1-1.  I will not elaborate on this further, except to encourage you to read Absolutely Banana's excellent post.  With its many links, it is a great starting point.

Yes, anonymity can be a great thing.

Yesterday, an incident occurred on one of my (too many) message boards that reminded me of the downside of anonymity.  A situation came up where an anonymous poster was in a desperately bad place and was appealing for help.  She was in immediate danger and was not thinking rationally.  She did not reveal enough information to allow readers to assist her.  Much to their credit, the message board founder and administration were quick to respond, contacting the police to see if her IP address could be traced.  The end result was not one we would have hoped for.   The IP was unknown, and could not be traced without a warrant.  As for the suffering poster, I can only hope that she will maintain a dialog with her support group instead of doing something regrettable.   I might add that the entire incident may have been a hoax, since trolls are a sad reality of the Internet.  In this case, that would have been preferable. Hoax or not, the situation demanded action.

So, Dear Readers, is anonymity a good or bad thing?

Sometimes it seems you just can't win.

Deja Vu

Yours Truly to Dear Husband: Sweetie, I'm not feeling well.  I've had this (insert one) twitching eyelid / swollen gland / shooting leg pain / cough for a few days now.

Dear Husband (rolling eyes)-  So what dreaded disease did the (insert one) Harvard Medical Guide / Internet tell you you have now?

Me- Oh, just forget it!  Some sympathetic husband you are!

Dear Husband-  I'm sure you'll be fine. You always are.  But maybe I should up your life insurance policy just in case.(Snicker.)

Me to myself-  Jerk! Why doesn't anyone take me seriously?  I'd better go take something for this!

                                  *        *        *        *           *        *

Dear Son to Yours Truly-  Mommy, I'm not feeling well. I have a cough.(Insert fake cough here.)  I need medicine!  The cherry kind.

Me (rolling eyes)- RJ, you do not need medicine.  That wasn't even a real cough.  Medicine is not candy.

Dear Son- Well, my ankles hurt.  I need medicine.

Me- I'm sure you'll be fine.

Dear Son to himself- You're a bad mommy!  Your not a good friend!

5 minutes later:

Dear Son- Mommy?  I just broke my arm. (Rubs arm and grimaces for maximum effect.)  I need medicine.   I need to go to the hostable.

Me- (shaking head)  RJ, all you did was bump your elbow on the baby gate.  We're not going to the hospital.   

Dear Son- Can I have some medicine?

Me- No medicine.  I'm sure you'll be fine.  But maybe you should rest instead of going to the playground today?  Just in case. (Snicker.)

Dear Son- No, no, no! 

Makeover Monday

Welcome to the third edition of Makeover Monday, here at Am I Going Mad...or am I just a Mommy? I hope everyone had a lovely weekend. It was sunny and in the high sixties here.   Now I don't know about you, but that means summer to me.  It was time to dig out those shorts, slap on some SPF 50, and blind everyone with my pasty white legs.

Yes, there was a veritable whirlwind of activity here at Six Flags, with isits to the playground, cheering on horsies, and celebrating Cinco de Mayo with friends and too much sangria.  (In my case, "too much" was just one glass.) What with all of this hubbub, one might assume that Moodswingingmommy was too busy to accomplish her Makeover Monday goals.   Admittedly, I cut it a little close to the wire, so much so that I'm debating changing my name to Procrastimommy.   Nevertheless, I can hold my head high.

My Personal Goal: Finish reading my book and continue devoting time to my role as a woman and a wife-  ACCOMPLISHED! I cannot emphasize enough how making time for myself and my spouse has impacted me in a positive way! Spending an extra few minutes on my appearance in the morning has helped me feel better about myself.  Thanks to my wonderful in laws, SuperDad and I were able to go to the thee-ay-ter over the weekend.  It was so nice to go on a date and do something we haven't done for a very long time.

My Organizational Goal:  Organize my bathroom shelves.

                                                                                                                Before:

After:

I can tell you're impressed.  Now I can find everything I need quickly, and without anything falling on my head. Goals for the week ahead:

Personal Goals:

1. Throw out all the candy in my house.
2. Walk, either outside or on the treadmill, for 30 minutes, 4 times this week.  Those shorts fit a little tighter than I had hoped!

Interpersonal Goal: Spend some one-on-one time with both my son and my daughter.   I bought my son some plastic gardening tools, and hope that he can "help" me prepare my flowerbed for planting.   During a visit to the library last week, I picked up Itsy Bitsy Yoga.  I will schedule a couple of Mommy-Baby C yoga sessions while big brother is at preschool. That's it for me. Now it's your turn!  

*            *            *            *            *            *

Here's what to do:

1. Choose a goal.  (It can be a new one each week or something more long-term.)
2. Write a Makeover Monday post to share your goal for the week ahead. State whether or not you accomplished your goal from the previous week.  It's okay to brag! If you are working towards a long-term goal, report on your progress.
3. Link your Makeover Monday post here using Mister Linky below.
4. Spread the good karma by visiting other Makeover Monday participants to encourage and congratulate them on their own makeovers.
5. Feel the love coming right back at you!

Don't let Monday be a downer! Start your week off right by celebrating your accomplishments and those of fellow bloggers.

Here comes Mister Linky:

 

How Strong Are Your Nerves?

Are you a parent?  

 

If so, do you consider yourself a paragon of parental fortitude or do you assume the fetal position whenever your child utters the slightest whimper?

 

 

 

Take my simple quiz and find out. I tried it myself this week, and it’s a lot of fun!

 

 

 

Directions: Attempt each step in order.  The further you get, the stronger your nerves. 

 

 

 

1. Schedule a pelvic exam for first thing on a Monday morning. If you are a man, make      it a digital rectal exam, or better yet, a cystoscopy. 

   

2. It should be pouring rain. That makes the drive so much more interesting.

   

3. Drink at least 4 cups of coffee to give yourself a nice edge.

   

4. Bring  along your sick and teething infant for company. Wake her up from her nap,  if possible. 

   

5. Don’t forget the sibling(s)! After all, they could always use more material for future therapy sessions.

   

6. Pack some snacks and toys to keep the kids occupied and hunger at bay. A portable DVD player is an asset. 

   

7. Make sure all children in diapers/training pants have consumed heaps of fruit the  day before. That way, they can poop for the third time just as you are  ready to walk out the door.

   

8. Give  all mobile children time to splash around in the puddles on the driveway.      For maximum effect, they must be good and wet. 

   

9. Listen to this    repeatedly on the way to the doctor's office while sodden offspring complain incessantly.

   

10. Sit and wait patiently for 45 minutes while your infant screams off and on. Attempt to read that 4 month old People magazine with Britney on the cover.  Ignore dirty looks from childless onlookers who are gazing in disbelief at your motley, soaked brood (who continue to complain about their wet clothes and the dismal selection of  waiting-room toys). 

   

11. Visit restroom to change infant's poopy diaper 30 seconds before you are called by the nurse. The water in the toilet bowl should make a nice distraction for your other little helpers.

   

12. Once in the exam room, undress from the waist down just before your preschooler  decides to open the door and make a break for it. Don’t worry, the paper drape provided will give you the illusion of modesty. 

   

13. Do not despair if your portable DVD player does not work, or if all of your carefully selected coloring books and toys are rejected one by one. The exam room contains many sights and      sounds waiting to delight your child(ren). Pregnancy wheels make fine Frisbees! Who needs toys when whacking obstetrical stirrups against an exam table makes such a pleasingly rhythmic “ka-thunk” “ka-thunk”? Never underestimate the draw of K-Y jelly for your little artiste!

   

14. If  your doctor’s timing is right, s(he) should glove up and begin your exam just as your baby resumes his/her crying. 

   

15. During your exam, make sure you provide detailed answers to pointed questions about your sex life in front of your children. That way they have something to share with their class during Circle Time.

   

16. Once all is complete, you should be partially dressed when preschooler once again makes an escape attempt. 

   

17. Make your follow-up appointment while  your child dumps the entire contents of the office treat jar while looking for something that doesn’t exist.  A tantrum should ensue.

   

18. Make a quick escape, lugging a crying infant in a car seat on one arm while dragging aforementioned screaming preschooler with the other. 

   

The End.

 

 

 

Okay, I don’t mean to brag, but not only did I complete all eighteen steps, but we even stopped to do the grocery shopping on the way home.*  This amazes me!   Just 4 months ago, I would have been reduced to a quivering mass of hormones by step seven.   Seriously, don’t I deserve an award? Where's my I Have Momma Nerves of Steel blog button, dammit!

   

So how did you do? Are you a Smug Momma with nerves of steel like me, or are you en route to the pharmacy to pick up your Xanax?

 

 

 

 *No children were tranquilized during the course of these real-life events.