Am I Going Mad or Am I Just a Mommy?

The Weakest Link

Scene: Inside a crumb-strewn Toyota Sienna smelling vaguely of the remnants of a spilled and forgotten sippy cup.  The vehicle's five occupants are getting restless while sitting in traffic on the Southeast Expressway.  MSM is at the wheel and has placed a temporary embargo on any and all kid tunes.  Other occupants balk at listening to Pixies and Arcade Fire.  Failure to compromise= stereo off.

Gramma Brenda and CeCe (age 2 yrs, 9 months) sing (for the thirteenth time, mind):

Rock-a-bye, baby
In the treetop
When the wind blows
The cradle will rock
When the bough breaks
The cradle will fall
And down will come baby
Cradle and all

CeCe: Gramma?  Why is cradle up in the tree?

Gramma B: I don't know, CeCe.  That's not a very smart thing to do is it?  Why is the cradle up in the tree?

CeCe:  Gramma, that's dangerous! The baby will get an ouchie!

MSM:  Yeah.  What kind of  stupid git...er, I meant to say what really silly person, would put a baby in a cradle and stick it up in a tree?

Gramma B: That's a pretty silly thing to do, come to think of it.  Who would do a stupid thing like that?

CeCe: I know who!  A man!

That's mah girl!  Two years old and she has it all figured out already.

Yes, I know. I have no shame. And this isn't wordless.

Moodswinging Mommy has been away from this blog for quite some time now.   She has been absurdly busy obsessing about vampires, fan fiction, and generally embarrassing herself in person and over the interwebz over the last few months.  No. Time. To. Blog.  She shall forgive Blogherads for yanking her ads because she was a Lazy Suck-Ass Blogger, and just before they were supposed to send her a check, too!  Google Page Rank is also absolved of the sin of taking away her coveted 3/10 page rank.  Zero suits me just fine, thankyouverymuch.  Less PR spammers to deal with is a good thing.

And now I give you a not so Wordless Wednesday:

PS:  This is not my car, nor is it Super Dad's.  But some girl in Manchester, NH must be very happy.

Top 10 things Moodswinging Mommy would do in her first 100 days as President

 10) Burn my birth certificate so no one would know that they had accidentally elected a Canadian

 

9) Call all of those jerks who picked on me in middle school just so I could say “Ha! Ha!”

 

8) Learn to fly Air Force One

 

7) Have the White House chefs make me all those things that I was too lazy to make for myself 

 

6) Pardon all vampires, especially Edward

 

5) Launch covert military operation into Switzerland to take all of their chocolate

 

4) Order all hot male military personnel to the White House for a “21 Gun” salute

 

3) Drop water balloons on Rush Limbaugh from Marine One

 

2) Ban Fox News from the White House.  Fair and Balanced, My Ass!

 

1) Last but not least, bring about world peace, an end to world hunger, and an end to the financial/economic crisis

 

Phrases that spell T.R.O.U.B.L.E

These are in no particular order, and, I might add, all heard around these parts within the last week.

From the Forty-Year-Old Man:

"Uh, I'll be back in a minute.  I have to go to Home Depot again."
 (This is usually preceded by a smattering of colorful words.  Man in question does not return for at least 90 minutes.)

"Have you seen that Home Depot bag/receipt?....You know, the one that was sitting on the counter/hanging on the doorknob right here? "  
 (How to distinguish said bag/receipt from all others scattered about the house is a mystery.)

"Have you seen your blog today? Hehehe!  Check it out!"

"Um, so we had some paint in a yogurt container in the garage that we forgot about?  But everything's fine now."  (More on this later.)

From the Five-Year-Old Boy  :

"Mommy?  When you microwave popcorn, is there always a lot of smoke?"   (Sunday morning wake-up call,approx 6:15 am )

"I got myself some grape juice.  It is good.  And don't worry Mommy, I only spilled a little bit."  (What is it with these wake-up calls?)

From the Two-Year-Old Girl:

"Ta daaaaa!"  (This one can send shivers down one's spine.  Seriously.)

"I need more gwoo!"  (Time to hide the cat again.)

"Mommy, I have poop.  I changed diaper myself." 

From the Personal Trainer:

"Don't worry, I'll go easy on you.  Although last week I did made a guy throw up."


From Emergency Room Doctor to Nurse:

"Bring me a 25 gauge needle.  And she'll need  4 more cc's of morphine." 

(Spinal Tap=Fun times!)

Well, that pretty much sums up my last week and a half.  What spells T.R.O.U.B.L.E around your house?

Sweet Revenge

You shall be mine soon. 

Well played, Super Dad, well played indeed.  I want to remind you of a few things, however.

I prepare and cook your food. (Well, sometimes.)

I do your laundry.

I know where you sleep.

I have hidden the camera.

Yes, you'd best prepare yourself.

You'll never know when it may happen.  Tonight?  Two weeks from now?  I'd keep one eye open if I were you.

Or perhaps you should know when I will strike? Hmmm....

That reminds me of a little something.

Super Dad, meet Barney Stinson.

Mwahahahahaha!

Word to the wise: Never mess with a woman who has Moodswinging as part of her moniker.

Really? Like they don't have enough toys?

Gotta keep that kid out of my bedroom!  And if LifeStyles is reading this, I hope you appreciate the  free  advertising. 

Just Fast-Forward One Year

How I love the comic strip Cul de Sac!  It is scary how closely Richard Thompson came to depicting my daughter in yesterday's strip....on both the nap and carrot issues.  She's not in preschool yet, but I guarantee this will be her next year (minus the extraordinary drawing ability- if she takes after me).

Check it out here if you missed it.  How many preschool teachers and parents can relate?

Thank you for the laughs, Richard!

Out of the Mouths of Babes

I am a little biased, but I think my two-year-old Ce Ce speaks exceptionally well for her age. We rarely have to ask her to repeat herself, and if we are ever stumped, her four year old brother is there to assist.   We do have to interpret occasionally for those who aren't accustomed to her speech patterns. 

Unfortunately, what I am about to recount was not one of those times. 

While browsing through the produce department of our local supermarket recently, Ce Ce was especially excited.   Perhaps this has to do with the fact that she is a fruit fiend, or that the bakery department with the free cookies for kids was nearby.  (The free cookies are no longer- damn economy!  I'd like the CEO of Hannaford to have to wheel my tantrumming children around just once to understand what impact this has had on mothers everywhere. But again, I digress.)

All of a sudden, Ce Ce started gesticulating madly and shouting "Dawa!  Dawa!" cookie crumbs spewing out of her mouth.  "What's that sweetie?" I responded. "Please don't talk with your mouth full."   She persisted as we passed the tomatoes and the bananas, shouting and struggling to stand up in the cart for a better view.  "Mommy!  Dawa!  DAAAAH WAAAAA!!!!"

She finished her cookie just as we came upon the display of red and green grapes.  She clapped her hands, grinned and then pointed again, this time at the grapes.  Evidently we had arrived at the object of her desire.  Grapes.

"DIARRHEAS!"  "MOMMY, I WANT DIARRHEAS!" Cece exclaimed, clear as a bell while waving madly at the grapes..

Oh, how I wished she still had cookie stuffed in her mouth!  I burst out laughing, and sheepishly glanced around the produce department to see if anyone else had heard.  About nine or ten people were chuckling to themselves.  One man looked like he was about to double over with laughter.  

Quickly I bagged up some grapes and headed far away from the scene, only for it to happen again in front of a display of raisins in aisle 3.  

As I drove home, I tried to recall how many times I had warned my kids not to eat too many grapes and raisins at one time.  I have wiped too many bums far too often as a result of grape/raisin overindulgence.

I guess I can no longer complain that my children never listen to my advice.

In case you were wondering, grapes and raisins are still "diarrheas" in our house.  I think I will be a little sad when she stops calling them that.

  
 

Wordless Wednesday

Check out more Wordless Wednesday posts.

Preschooler Excuses

RJ: Mommy, I can't clean my room because my back is aching.............Mommy, what does "aching" mean?

Yes, as you might have guessed, I have thrown out my back.   How did I do it?  By hitting the snooze button on the alarm clock!  Absolutely pathetic.

Getting old sucks.