Am I Going Mad or Am I Just a Mommy?

Do they make a pill for this?

Due to the various and sundry demands on my time lately*, I have developed a serious case of blogstipation.   In my case, this means that I have way too much to blog about, and too little time.   If it actually means something else, then I don't want to know about it!

Here is a preview of coming attractions at Am I Going Mad or Am I Just a Mommy?   Believe me, you don't want to miss these gems coming your way soon!  (Aren't I clever making you all excited, when all I'm doing is making a list so my feeble brain does not forget?)

• The Great Fall Trip of 2007- Starring Me, Myself and I, one three year old boy.  One fourteen month old girl.  Connecting flights.  One Airline From Hell American Airlines. 

• The Move-  What happens when an already insane family of four allows itself a mere two weeks to move house?   Oh, and the new one's a fixer-upper, too, so get ready!

• Howdy Neighbor!-  Call it Wisteria Lane.  Only with snow. And no tornado.  How did we end up here?  How long before the neighbors realize we are out of our league?  Well, my minivan is bigger than your Lexus, so there!

• Am I Dying?-  In which Moodswinging Mommy manages to avoid any number of dreaded illnesses, and finds her bliss in the dentist's chair.

That's all I can think of to entice you for now, Dear Readers.  Now someone either pass me a dose of Blog-Lax or take my little darlings for a bit so I may become more regular!

* I'll spare you the ugly details, but it amounts to traveling, cleaning, unpacking, more cleaning, spackling, painting, unclogging, lamenting the Writer's Strike, hosting, cooking, doing laundry, yelling at Verizon and everyone else, radon mitigating, caring for two under four, all the while  attempting to maintain some shred of sanity.  Did I mention the cleaning?  Oh, and does anyone want a cat?

We Survived!

Happy New Year, Friends!

Come on in, wipe your boots, hang your coat.  Stay awhile.

Here's a paintbrush/screwdriver/Magic Eraser...make yourself useful!

Yes, friends, we did indeed survive the move,  and hosting Christmas for my family.  Now I have to go back to cleaning our "new"  house (which, it seems,  was not cleaned once in 23 years), and prepping the walls of  9 rooms for painting.  Oh yeah, and caring for my children too.  Come to think of it, where are the little devils?  Probably hiding in a box somewhere.

Many more blog posts coming soon, I promise!!!

Pass the Gravy, and the boxes, and the packing tape

I found my computer amidst all the boxes, and thought I'd better check in.

Long time, no blog...

Quick Update:

1)  We found a house.

2) I survived travel alone with two kids.

3) We had a wonderful vacation in the Cayman Islands and at Walt Disney World. 

4)  I returned home with 2 weeks in which to pack up my entire house while caring for two children.  One mover laughed at me when I told her we were packing it ourselves.  What cheek!  (She didn't get our business.)

5) The movers pick up our things a week tomorrow, and we close on both places on the 30th.

Why do I have a feeling that we never do things like normal people do?  I have so much to elaborate on when I get the chance! 

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends.  Safe travels, and don't eat too much, y'all!

I'm still kickin'

but just a bit overwhelmed over the past few weeks.  I don't want to jinx anything, but  (come closer)......

Super Dad and I have accepted an offer on our house and the inspection went well!

We now have (gulp!!) until November 30th to

a) Find a house.

b) Pack up our lives here.

c) Close on both places and move.



(Did I mention that Baby C's first birthday party is tomorrow, and that I'm going away for two weeks? Gotta love that timing! Oh, and when I say I'm going away, that means the three year old, the (gasp!) one year old, neither of whom will sit still for two minutes, and ME.  On a plane.  Connecting flights.  Early-morning flights..... Would it be irresponsible for me to partake in some in-flight cocktails while caring for two children? )

This insane life of mine just got even more crazy.

PS:  Please say a prayer for  us that our deal goes through...and also that we don't have to bunk in with my in-laws!

Thanks!

O, Gallant Knight!

We have a new arrival in our happy home, one that has been a long time in coming.

I'm such a proud Mama!  Let me share a picture with you:

                                             

Like most newborns, my little one can be very time-consuming and difficult.  I am more sleep-deprived than I thought possible.  As I mentioned here, our relationship got off to a rocky start when I nearly wiped out my baby's operating system last week.   

It appeared all was lost. 

But no!

Lo and behold, a knight in shining armor came to my rescue!

Sir Bob of Bangalore was his name.  He was wearing a telephone headset riding a white steed.  Like a patient lover, he stayed with me for hours and gently taught me how to coax my computer into submission. What's more, he even called the next day! 

                                        

                                               Sir Bob of Bangalore

In another time, in another place, maybe there would be a future for us.  Alas, I am a happily married woman with a husband, two human babies and one laptop to coddle.  Twas not to be. 

In his lilting voice, he bid me farewell, and I returned to my own life a little richer for the experience. 

Be well, kind Sir!  Whenever I hear my baby's soothing whir, I shall think of you.

Sigh!

* Okay, I admit it. That's not actually my gentle knight, but Bollywood sensation John Abraham.  Every girl's entitled to her fantasy.  (You're welcome, ladies.)

Have You Heard?

Feds Arrest Alleged Top Spammer

By GENE JOHNSON

AP

SEATTLE (May 31) - A 27-year-old man described as one of the world's most prolific spammers was arrested Wednesday, and federal authorities said computer users across the Web could notice a decrease in the amount of junk e-mail.

Robert Alan Soloway is accused of using networks of compromised "zombie" computers to send out millions upon millions of spam e-mails.

"He's one of the top 10 spammers in the world," said Tim Cranton, a Microsoft Corp. lawyer who is senior director of the company's Worldwide Internet Safety Programs. "He's a huge problem for our customers. This is a very good day.".....for more on this wonderful news, click here.

All together now, and a -one and a-two and a-three....

                                                      
                                                        Spam-man's been arrest-TED (kick)
                                                        Spam-man's in the slamm-ER (kick)
                                                              No more ritzy life-STYLE (kick)
                                                            Good-bye nasty nuis-ANCE (kick)

(Hee hee.  I've been waiting for a chance to use this one. Thank you for indulging my animation obsession.)

Makeover Monday

Yes, it's that time again.  Welcome to another edition of Makeover Monday, and a happy Memorial Day to all my American friends, family, and blogging buddies!

I hope everyone had a successful week.

Here's my report on last week's goals:

1.   Keep walking.  I will go out 4 times! - (almost) ACCOMPLISHED

I've gone walking 3 times, and hope to go out today, so that'll be 4.  Yes, I know it's Monday, but it's technically a long weekend where I am, so my week hasn't officially begun yet.

2.  Stay patient and keep sense of humor during nine and a half hour drive home. -  NOT ACCOMPLISHED 

Our drive home was probably the worst we've ever had.  Have you read and/or seen The Perfect Storm?  Well, our journey was a lot like that, minus the fishing part.  That is, if you substitute a minivan for the fishing boat, SuperDad and me for the fishermen, and non-napping teething seven-month old and an equally non-napping three-year-old with an ear infection for The Storm itself.  At least we all got home alive in our version.

As for keeping my sense of humor, there was a lot of laughter.  It was more of the brittle, nervous I-must-laugh-instead-of-breaking-down-in-hysterics variation. 

3.  Set up Ebay auctions for stuff I have piled in my dining room. (Is anyone interested in a Medela Pump In Style, a lavender Bumbo Seat, or a Snuggle Nest?)- ACCOMPLISHED

I listed all items yesterday, only I'm trying Craig's List first.  (It would be great to save on fees and the hassle of shipping.)

 

Goals for this Week:

1.  Submit my teaching recertification documentation to the state Department of Education: 

Did I mention that my teaching qualifications are being audited?  Yes, the DOE has seen fit to audit me after ten years of teaching and three years of being a stay-at-home-mom.  Make sense to you?  Me either, but that's Government for you.  It sucks, but better the DOE than the IRS!

2.  Fill 3 big garbage bags of stuff from our attic and take them to Goodwill.

Three bags will barely scratch the surface of the disorganized pit that is our attic, but it's a start.

3.  Finally get out on a date with SuperDad to celebrate our anniversary.

My saintly, baby-sitting mother-in-law was sick this weekend, so no date for us.  Feel better, Grandma Marsha!

                 *            *            *            *            *

 

Want to play?  Here's what to do:

  1. Choose a goal. (It can be a new one each week or something more long-term.)   

2. Write a Makeover Monday post to share your goal for the week ahead. State whether or not you accomplished your goal from the previous week. It's okay to brag! If you are working towards a long-term goal, report on your progress.

3. Link your Makeover Monday post here using Mister Linky below.  Please leave me a comment so I feel loved.

    4. Spread the good karma by visiting other Makeover Monday participants to encourage and congratulate them on their own makeovers.

   5. Feel the love coming right back at you!

Don't let Monday be a downer! Start your week off right by celebrating your accomplishments and those of fellow bloggers.

Here's Mr. Linky.  You know what to do.

Honey, We're Home!

2 optimistic and woefully misguided adults

+    2 tiny dictators

+     1 cat

+    1 minivan

+    10 hours
   
+    520 miles

+    75 miles per hour

+    2 countries

+    55 minutes stuck in traffic jam at US border crossing

+    1 Wonder of the World

+    2 states
 
+    10 turns (only ten in 520 miles!)

+    142 songs on iPod

+    3 magazines

+    1 new laptop (Squee!!!)

+    5 (or was it 6?) pit stops

+    5 diaper changes

+    4 bottles of formula

+    3 caffeinated beverages

+    1-1o pack of Timbits

+    2 stops at McDonalds

+    $1.09 CA- per litre cost of gas in Canada ($ 4.14 US per gallon)

+    $  3.20 - per gallon cost of gas on the New York State Thruway

+    3  screenings of Toy Story

+    1 screening of Winnie the Pooh

+ 1 screening of Thomas the Tank Engine and the Milkshake Muddle

+    3 times we were cut off (= number of times SuperDad cursed)

+    39 WalMart truck sightings

+    5 tolls

+    3 "I have to go potty!"  false alarms

+    4 number of trains spotted by RJ

+    countless horse and cow sightings

+   0 naps

+    2 temper tantrums

+    1 1/2 hours crying

+    2 doses of Children's Tylenol

+    2 brand-new, first-ever teeth

+    1 trip to pediatrician before arriving home (Thank God for evening office hours!)

+    1 ear infection

+    2 slumbering tiny dictators

+    1 relieved feline

+      2 catatonic parents

                                                               

         = One Trip Home from Grandpa's House

Friday, again?

Every so often, the demands of real life catch up with Moodswingingmommy.  Since I have a child clamoring to go to playgroup, mountains of laundry to fold, and a new version of this blog to work on, I'm afraid today's contribution is going to be short. I'm also a little bleary-eyed because I had the nightmare again. It went a little bit like this:

That's all for now from MSM, folks.  Now, please do a girl a favor and  give SuperDad some good ideas!

 

How Strong Are Your Nerves?

Are you a parent?  

 

If so, do you consider yourself a paragon of parental fortitude or do you assume the fetal position whenever your child utters the slightest whimper?

 

 

 

Take my simple quiz and find out. I tried it myself this week, and it’s a lot of fun!

 

 

 

Directions: Attempt each step in order.  The further you get, the stronger your nerves. 

 

 

 

1. Schedule a pelvic exam for first thing on a Monday morning. If you are a man, make      it a digital rectal exam, or better yet, a cystoscopy. 

   

2. It should be pouring rain. That makes the drive so much more interesting.

   

3. Drink at least 4 cups of coffee to give yourself a nice edge.

   

4. Bring  along your sick and teething infant for company. Wake her up from her nap,  if possible. 

   

5. Don’t forget the sibling(s)! After all, they could always use more material for future therapy sessions.

   

6. Pack some snacks and toys to keep the kids occupied and hunger at bay. A portable DVD player is an asset. 

   

7. Make sure all children in diapers/training pants have consumed heaps of fruit the  day before. That way, they can poop for the third time just as you are  ready to walk out the door.

   

8. Give  all mobile children time to splash around in the puddles on the driveway.      For maximum effect, they must be good and wet. 

   

9. Listen to this    repeatedly on the way to the doctor's office while sodden offspring complain incessantly.

   

10. Sit and wait patiently for 45 minutes while your infant screams off and on. Attempt to read that 4 month old People magazine with Britney on the cover.  Ignore dirty looks from childless onlookers who are gazing in disbelief at your motley, soaked brood (who continue to complain about their wet clothes and the dismal selection of  waiting-room toys). 

   

11. Visit restroom to change infant's poopy diaper 30 seconds before you are called by the nurse. The water in the toilet bowl should make a nice distraction for your other little helpers.

   

12. Once in the exam room, undress from the waist down just before your preschooler  decides to open the door and make a break for it. Don’t worry, the paper drape provided will give you the illusion of modesty. 

   

13. Do not despair if your portable DVD player does not work, or if all of your carefully selected coloring books and toys are rejected one by one. The exam room contains many sights and      sounds waiting to delight your child(ren). Pregnancy wheels make fine Frisbees! Who needs toys when whacking obstetrical stirrups against an exam table makes such a pleasingly rhythmic “ka-thunk” “ka-thunk”? Never underestimate the draw of K-Y jelly for your little artiste!

   

14. If  your doctor’s timing is right, s(he) should glove up and begin your exam just as your baby resumes his/her crying. 

   

15. During your exam, make sure you provide detailed answers to pointed questions about your sex life in front of your children. That way they have something to share with their class during Circle Time.

   

16. Once all is complete, you should be partially dressed when preschooler once again makes an escape attempt. 

   

17. Make your follow-up appointment while  your child dumps the entire contents of the office treat jar while looking for something that doesn’t exist.  A tantrum should ensue.

   

18. Make a quick escape, lugging a crying infant in a car seat on one arm while dragging aforementioned screaming preschooler with the other. 

   

The End.

 

 

 

Okay, I don’t mean to brag, but not only did I complete all eighteen steps, but we even stopped to do the grocery shopping on the way home.*  This amazes me!   Just 4 months ago, I would have been reduced to a quivering mass of hormones by step seven.   Seriously, don’t I deserve an award? Where's my I Have Momma Nerves of Steel blog button, dammit!

   

So how did you do? Are you a Smug Momma with nerves of steel like me, or are you en route to the pharmacy to pick up your Xanax?

 

 

 

 *No children were tranquilized during the course of these real-life events.