Am I Going Mad or Am I Just a Mommy?

Manic Monday

Ah, the eighties!  I'm about to break into song here.  Except it's 5:43 am and now I'm starting to fade.

Insomnia sucks!

After laying in bed listening to Super Dad snore lightly for oh, five and a half hours, I finally got out of bed.  I'm not really positive why I didn't sleep,although it may have had something to do with the GQ article I read before bed last night.  The one with this guy on the cover.

Mmmmm!  I mean, the articles were all very informative and really well written.  (Since when did I become a cougar?)

Okay,out of love and fairness for Super Dad, I will now post one of his favorite hotties here as well:

 

(I really like her dress, and wonder where she got it.  If I could get a cheap knock-off somewhere, I could definitely pull off the cleavage, if I do say so myself.)

Anyway, back to the insomnia:  I'd be very satisfied with my accomplishments if I had not hit a wall by now.  So far I have:

- Fought off the cat, who is purring like a motorboat, clearly delighted that someone is up and no one else is competing for my attention;

- Pushed said cat off computer keyboard (after scratching under his chin of course.  I'm not heartless.);

- Chatted with some very nice ladies in Australia;

- Dispensed translation and pregnancy advice to a friend in France;

- Done my Dancing with the Stars Latin Cardio DVD;

- Made son's preschool snack: Today he's having a medley of strawberries and grapes and tiny soy nut butter sandwiches shaped like cars and airplanes.

- Had breakfast (corn flakes with strawberries).

Pretty good, right? 

Now I have to brace myself because the rest of the house is about to wake up, and more specifically the five year old boy with boundless energy, and the two-and-a-half year old girl (She's two...'nuff said.)

Oh my goodness, in the flurry of activity I almost forgot to take the medication that my gastroenterologist prescribed for me.  Here they are:

 

                                                                   Pill  # 1                    

                                             

                                                                Pill # 2

Oh, and did I forget to mention that I am not allowed to drink any coffee?  No caffeine whatsoever.  My GI guy is a sick bastard!

I'm screwed!

I can envision my afternoon now:  I will be passed out and drooling on the couch.  Meanwhile the two year old will be climbing all over the couch and tap dancing in her party shoes on the kitchen counter tops while her older brother tries to hit her while testing out his new light sabre.

Pray for me, please!

The One Where the Mommy Thinks She Must be Hot

Two weeks ago we were in California.  The sky was blue, temperature a balmy 65 degrees, the flowers were in bloom, and the palm fronds were waving gently in the breeze.  Yes, I was feeling good on that mid-vacation Wednesday.   I thought I must be lookin' pretty damn good too in my cute new Gap ensemble with matching sandals.  I had also taken the time to do my hair and make up.  How often does a stay-at-home servant mother get to do that? Bless Super Dad for being there to run interference!

As we headed down highway 15 en route to San Diego, my sense of well-being was completed by the complimentary hot cocoa I sipped, courtesy of our time share's lobby.  (There is a tiny possibility that my bliss could have been augmented by the Sudafed and my daily calming prescription cocktail, but whatever the case, all was right with the world so who cares anyway!)    The Preschooler was chirping happily about the trucks on the road, and the Toddler-Who-Doesn't-Believe-In-Time-Differences was sleeping in her car set. 

"Wow, can you believe that?  Twenty-five avocados for five bucks!" I said with astonishment while passing a roadside stand. Golf courses and boulder-covered hills flashed by.  "Look at that big truck up there, Momma!" exclaimed an excited RJ.  It was an armored vehicle, with the words California Department of Corrections emblazoned on the side.   Many pairs of eyes peered out of the barred windows at the freedom outside.  Some were glazed, dead-looking, and others, very angry.

Inadvertently I made eye contact with one scraggly-haired and wild-eyed fellow sporting an orange jumpsuit.  When he saw me he bugged out his eyes and waggled his tongue at me using a technique that even Gene Simmons would have envied.   

I quickly averted my eyes from the clearly obscene gesture, while laughing and thinking "Ooh, not so scary when you're behind bars then, are you?"  My second thought?  Well, it wasn't a horrified "That man is clearly a murderer, sex offender or some other kind of psychopath and he's looking at me!"  It was "Cool, somebody must think I'm hot!"   Yup, I'm messed up alright!

Once in San Diego, we had a lovely time touring the aircraft carrier USS Midway.  As much as I am all for peace, love and yoga, I have to say it was pretty cool being on the flight deck of such an awesome beast.  RJ was in his glory.  (Just don't get any ideas, kid!)

When we were exiting the Midway and making our way back to our car, Super Dad and the kids were about 50 yards ahead of me.  I could see and hear a very hostile and disturbed individual approaching.  He was clearly mentally ill, under the influence of drugs, or both.  As he came closer to me, I instinctively gave him wide berth while keeping my eyes down and clutching my purse.  

Much to my dismay, he decided to stop two feet in front of me as I picked up my pace.  He looked me up and down.  And then he spoke...

"BONY-ASSED   *&$%@- FACE! "  

Then he moved along, harassing all within his path.  I got the hell out of there and into the car.

Was I shaken by the encounter?  No, not really.  While I was pretty sure that being called a  you-know-what face wasn't exactly a compliment, I was quite pleased all in all.

"Cool, someone thinks I have a bony ass! " I thought gleefully.  Now, I realize that this is an insult in some circles, but to a pear-shaped five-foot two woman with ten pounds of baby weight still to lose, that's a pretty nice compliment to hear. I'll take a bony ass over a chunky, dimply one any day. 

So there you have it.  Evidently I am a super-hot MILF,  at least among the sex-deprived inmates and insane meth addicts of California.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Yup, I must have a screw loose, alright.  I blame it all on the weather, open-toed sandals and legal prescription drugs.  But the complimentary hot cocoa is most to blame.

Do they make a pill for this?

Due to the various and sundry demands on my time lately*, I have developed a serious case of blogstipation.   In my case, this means that I have way too much to blog about, and too little time.   If it actually means something else, then I don't want to know about it!

Here is a preview of coming attractions at Am I Going Mad or Am I Just a Mommy?   Believe me, you don't want to miss these gems coming your way soon!  (Aren't I clever making you all excited, when all I'm doing is making a list so my feeble brain does not forget?)

• The Great Fall Trip of 2007- Starring Me, Myself and I, one three year old boy.  One fourteen month old girl.  Connecting flights.  One Airline From Hell American Airlines. 

• The Move-  What happens when an already insane family of four allows itself a mere two weeks to move house?   Oh, and the new one's a fixer-upper, too, so get ready!

• Howdy Neighbor!-  Call it Wisteria Lane.  Only with snow. And no tornado.  How did we end up here?  How long before the neighbors realize we are out of our league?  Well, my minivan is bigger than your Lexus, so there!

• Am I Dying?-  In which Moodswinging Mommy manages to avoid any number of dreaded illnesses, and finds her bliss in the dentist's chair.

That's all I can think of to entice you for now, Dear Readers.  Now someone either pass me a dose of Blog-Lax or take my little darlings for a bit so I may become more regular!

* I'll spare you the ugly details, but it amounts to traveling, cleaning, unpacking, more cleaning, spackling, painting, unclogging, lamenting the Writer's Strike, hosting, cooking, doing laundry, yelling at Verizon and everyone else, radon mitigating, caring for two under four, all the while  attempting to maintain some shred of sanity.  Did I mention the cleaning?  Oh, and does anyone want a cat?

We Survived!

Happy New Year, Friends!

Come on in, wipe your boots, hang your coat.  Stay awhile.

Here's a paintbrush/screwdriver/Magic Eraser...make yourself useful!

Yes, friends, we did indeed survive the move,  and hosting Christmas for my family.  Now I have to go back to cleaning our "new"  house (which, it seems,  was not cleaned once in 23 years), and prepping the walls of  9 rooms for painting.  Oh yeah, and caring for my children too.  Come to think of it, where are the little devils?  Probably hiding in a box somewhere.

Many more blog posts coming soon, I promise!!!

Pass the Gravy, and the boxes, and the packing tape

I found my computer amidst all the boxes, and thought I'd better check in.

Long time, no blog...

Quick Update:

1)  We found a house.

2) I survived travel alone with two kids.

3) We had a wonderful vacation in the Cayman Islands and at Walt Disney World. 

4)  I returned home with 2 weeks in which to pack up my entire house while caring for two children.  One mover laughed at me when I told her we were packing it ourselves.  What cheek!  (She didn't get our business.)

5) The movers pick up our things a week tomorrow, and we close on both places on the 30th.

Why do I have a feeling that we never do things like normal people do?  I have so much to elaborate on when I get the chance! 

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends.  Safe travels, and don't eat too much, y'all!

I'm still kickin'

but just a bit overwhelmed over the past few weeks.  I don't want to jinx anything, but  (come closer)......

Super Dad and I have accepted an offer on our house and the inspection went well!

We now have (gulp!!) until November 30th to

a) Find a house.

b) Pack up our lives here.

c) Close on both places and move.



(Did I mention that Baby C's first birthday party is tomorrow, and that I'm going away for two weeks? Gotta love that timing! Oh, and when I say I'm going away, that means the three year old, the (gasp!) one year old, neither of whom will sit still for two minutes, and ME.  On a plane.  Connecting flights.  Early-morning flights..... Would it be irresponsible for me to partake in some in-flight cocktails while caring for two children? )

This insane life of mine just got even more crazy.

PS:  Please say a prayer for  us that our deal goes through...and also that we don't have to bunk in with my in-laws!

Thanks!

O, Gallant Knight!

We have a new arrival in our happy home, one that has been a long time in coming.

I'm such a proud Mama!  Let me share a picture with you:

                                             

Like most newborns, my little one can be very time-consuming and difficult.  I am more sleep-deprived than I thought possible.  As I mentioned here, our relationship got off to a rocky start when I nearly wiped out my baby's operating system last week.   

It appeared all was lost. 

But no!

Lo and behold, a knight in shining armor came to my rescue!

Sir Bob of Bangalore was his name.  He was wearing a telephone headset riding a white steed.  Like a patient lover, he stayed with me for hours and gently taught me how to coax my computer into submission. What's more, he even called the next day! 

                                        

                                               Sir Bob of Bangalore

In another time, in another place, maybe there would be a future for us.  Alas, I am a happily married woman with a husband, two human babies and one laptop to coddle.  Twas not to be. 

In his lilting voice, he bid me farewell, and I returned to my own life a little richer for the experience. 

Be well, kind Sir!  Whenever I hear my baby's soothing whir, I shall think of you.

Sigh!

* Okay, I admit it. That's not actually my gentle knight, but Bollywood sensation John Abraham.  Every girl's entitled to her fantasy.  (You're welcome, ladies.)

Have You Heard?

Feds Arrest Alleged Top Spammer

By GENE JOHNSON

AP

SEATTLE (May 31) - A 27-year-old man described as one of the world's most prolific spammers was arrested Wednesday, and federal authorities said computer users across the Web could notice a decrease in the amount of junk e-mail.

Robert Alan Soloway is accused of using networks of compromised "zombie" computers to send out millions upon millions of spam e-mails.

"He's one of the top 10 spammers in the world," said Tim Cranton, a Microsoft Corp. lawyer who is senior director of the company's Worldwide Internet Safety Programs. "He's a huge problem for our customers. This is a very good day.".....for more on this wonderful news, click here.

All together now, and a -one and a-two and a-three....

                                                      
                                                        Spam-man's been arrest-TED (kick)
                                                        Spam-man's in the slamm-ER (kick)
                                                              No more ritzy life-STYLE (kick)
                                                            Good-bye nasty nuis-ANCE (kick)

(Hee hee.  I've been waiting for a chance to use this one. Thank you for indulging my animation obsession.)

Makeover Monday

Yes, it's that time again.  Welcome to another edition of Makeover Monday, and a happy Memorial Day to all my American friends, family, and blogging buddies!

I hope everyone had a successful week.

Here's my report on last week's goals:

1.   Keep walking.  I will go out 4 times! - (almost) ACCOMPLISHED

I've gone walking 3 times, and hope to go out today, so that'll be 4.  Yes, I know it's Monday, but it's technically a long weekend where I am, so my week hasn't officially begun yet.

2.  Stay patient and keep sense of humor during nine and a half hour drive home. -  NOT ACCOMPLISHED 

Our drive home was probably the worst we've ever had.  Have you read and/or seen The Perfect Storm?  Well, our journey was a lot like that, minus the fishing part.  That is, if you substitute a minivan for the fishing boat, SuperDad and me for the fishermen, and non-napping teething seven-month old and an equally non-napping three-year-old with an ear infection for The Storm itself.  At least we all got home alive in our version.

As for keeping my sense of humor, there was a lot of laughter.  It was more of the brittle, nervous I-must-laugh-instead-of-breaking-down-in-hysterics variation. 

3.  Set up Ebay auctions for stuff I have piled in my dining room. (Is anyone interested in a Medela Pump In Style, a lavender Bumbo Seat, or a Snuggle Nest?)- ACCOMPLISHED

I listed all items yesterday, only I'm trying Craig's List first.  (It would be great to save on fees and the hassle of shipping.)

 

Goals for this Week:

1.  Submit my teaching recertification documentation to the state Department of Education: 

Did I mention that my teaching qualifications are being audited?  Yes, the DOE has seen fit to audit me after ten years of teaching and three years of being a stay-at-home-mom.  Make sense to you?  Me either, but that's Government for you.  It sucks, but better the DOE than the IRS!

2.  Fill 3 big garbage bags of stuff from our attic and take them to Goodwill.

Three bags will barely scratch the surface of the disorganized pit that is our attic, but it's a start.

3.  Finally get out on a date with SuperDad to celebrate our anniversary.

My saintly, baby-sitting mother-in-law was sick this weekend, so no date for us.  Feel better, Grandma Marsha!

                 *            *            *            *            *

 

Want to play?  Here's what to do:

  1. Choose a goal. (It can be a new one each week or something more long-term.)   

2. Write a Makeover Monday post to share your goal for the week ahead. State whether or not you accomplished your goal from the previous week. It's okay to brag! If you are working towards a long-term goal, report on your progress.

3. Link your Makeover Monday post here using Mister Linky below.  Please leave me a comment so I feel loved.

    4. Spread the good karma by visiting other Makeover Monday participants to encourage and congratulate them on their own makeovers.

   5. Feel the love coming right back at you!

Don't let Monday be a downer! Start your week off right by celebrating your accomplishments and those of fellow bloggers.

Here's Mr. Linky.  You know what to do.

Honey, We're Home!

2 optimistic and woefully misguided adults

+    2 tiny dictators

+     1 cat

+    1 minivan

+    10 hours
   
+    520 miles

+    75 miles per hour

+    2 countries

+    55 minutes stuck in traffic jam at US border crossing

+    1 Wonder of the World

+    2 states
 
+    10 turns (only ten in 520 miles!)

+    142 songs on iPod

+    3 magazines

+    1 new laptop (Squee!!!)

+    5 (or was it 6?) pit stops

+    5 diaper changes

+    4 bottles of formula

+    3 caffeinated beverages

+    1-1o pack of Timbits

+    2 stops at McDonalds

+    $1.09 CA- per litre cost of gas in Canada ($ 4.14 US per gallon)

+    $  3.20 - per gallon cost of gas on the New York State Thruway

+    3  screenings of Toy Story

+    1 screening of Winnie the Pooh

+ 1 screening of Thomas the Tank Engine and the Milkshake Muddle

+    3 times we were cut off (= number of times SuperDad cursed)

+    39 WalMart truck sightings

+    5 tolls

+    3 "I have to go potty!"  false alarms

+    4 number of trains spotted by RJ

+    countless horse and cow sightings

+   0 naps

+    2 temper tantrums

+    1 1/2 hours crying

+    2 doses of Children's Tylenol

+    2 brand-new, first-ever teeth

+    1 trip to pediatrician before arriving home (Thank God for evening office hours!)

+    1 ear infection

+    2 slumbering tiny dictators

+    1 relieved feline

+      2 catatonic parents

                                                               

         = One Trip Home from Grandpa's House