If you are a parent, you've probably experienced those moments when your child astounds you with his or her sheer brilliance.
Yeah, you all know what I'm talking about.
If the other Parental Unit also bears witness to your child's genius, you gaze at each other in amazement, and then promptly disagree about whose superior genes are at work. If you are alone, you sprint to the phone to share the good news with anyone who will listen. "He said his first word! That doesn't surprise me. I was very verbal at his age, too. He must get that from me!" you proclaim.
"Guess what, Sweetie? Junior just drew a stick figure! you gush, while adding "Maybe we should inquire about enrichment classes? You know, I skipped kindergarten when I was young."
How about your reaction when your little darling says 'please', 'thank you', or 'I love you' for the first time without being prompted? High Fives all 'round!
Ah, those special moments, so filled with parental pride and the smug satisfaction of a job well done.
Yesterday was not one of them.
The day started out surprisingly well. With RJ out the door to school and the non-napping Teething Monster grumbling in her swing, I showered, tidied the house, made a shopping list and got ready to run errands. Things were clicking along so nicely, that I decided to tempt fate and call the Overpriced Preschool to check on my grumpy son. All was well. I mentally patted myself on the back for being so caring. Then we were off in the SuperMom Mobile. Twenty minutes later, my mission was accomplished, and I arrived home with the Teething Monster finally asleep in her infant seat. The phone was ringing off the hook, waking the Teething Monster, who started to scream. The answering machine picked up.
"Hi, Moodswinging Mommy, this is Patient, Saintly Preschool Teacher calling again. I thought I'd try calling your home again since you aren't answering your cellphone."
What?! I probed the depths of my purse to find my cellphone. Dead battery. Now that's responsible parenting for you! Then Baby C upped the ante and I could only hear snippets of the message...
"RJ.....naptime....fooling around...nose..don't know what....can't remove it."
As I drove to the Overpriced Preschool, I recalled a fateful trip from some years back. My family and I were making the 300 mile trek to visit our cousins. I am Woman by Helen Reddy was playing on the eight-track. As my mother doled out some peppermint Tic Tacs, my parents joked about a nitwit cousin who had gotten a Tic Tac stuck up her nose. Now I was an inquisitive child, so I'm sure you can see where this is heading. Suffice it to say that I don't remember much other than the screaming and my burning nasal passages.
Yes, I was pretty certain that this day would come since the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Twenty minutes later, we were at the doctor's office. RJ was surprisingly unaffected, although every time someone would mention his nose, he'd stick his finger up his nostril and shove the mystery object further north. Poor lad! He played happily with the waiting room toys, so naive about what laid in store!
First came the ear curette up the nose. He wasn't a fan.
Then the screaming started. Teething Monster decided to chime in too, 'cause it's more fun when you have company. Numerous Matchbox cars and Thomas trains were offered. Like that would help, silly Mommy!
Next came the tweezers. These were not your normal garden-variety tweezers, nor were they an aesthetically pleasing shade of pink, like Mommy's. They looked like one big-ass pair of scissors! They must have appeared even larger through the eyes of a three-year-old!
"Nnnnoooo, nnoooo, nnnnoooo!" RJ sobbed. "Don't c..c..c..cut meee, Mommeeee!"
I can only imagine what the people in the waiting room must have been thinking.
Two nurses arrived to help. There was talk of a specialist, sedation, and worst of all, NEEDLES!
That got his attention. Eyes as wide as saucers, RJ finally laid down. As the two nurses and I restrained him, the doctor went to work. In less than five seconds, a small piece of foam the size of a Cheerio was removed from his nostril.
Where on Earth did it come from? Only one person knows, and he's not telling.
And as for our Victim?
I hope that he will think twice before sticking something up his nose again. Heaven knows where his study of cause and effect will lead my brilliant little scientist next time.
I shudder to think!
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