I made a discovery about three months ago.
Lodged in between the dusty Tae Bo tapes, there it was. It wore a label: Cayman Islands/Wedding Shower, 2000. I should have been eager about my find, but instead my heart ached. Those who have been down this road know that there is no such thing as recovery. You adapt. That is all you can hope to do. The alternative is an act of selfish desperation.
I closed the drawer and went on with life.
No matter what I did, the memories called to me from their hiding place until I could no longer resist. With trembling hands, I put the tape in our one remaining VCR and pressed PLAY. Countless questions swirled through my mind.
What would I find?
How would I react?
Was this wise?
Would your voice sound the same to me?
All of a sudden, there you were. You looked a little older than you do in my mind, and you sounded a bit different, too. Your voice sounded higher to me, like your own mother's. My eyes welled up and I began to panic. So I had forgotten the sound of your voice after all...
Pause. Rewind. Play.
This time I delved deeper still, and it was more reassuring. Somehow you were more familiar to me the second time around. On and on I watched you while my own daughter napped beside me. (I have my own daughter now, or did you know that?) You were doing what you loved best: cooking an island feast fit for the Millennium, walking on the beach, and laughing at your brother-in-law who was videotaping a topless girl cavorting in the waves.
Much to my surprise, no tears were shed. I found myself smiling and chuckling along with you. What a joy it was to see your ever-ready smile and hear your laugh again! (By the way, did you ever realize that I have your laugh? And your habit of standing with both hands on your hips? It used to freak me out, but now I'm grateful for everything that reminds me of you. And speaking of hips, I still haven't forgiven you for passing down that gene!)
Seeing and hearing you for the first time in years was a blessing! Yes, a Blessing. Funny that I would choose this word, even though I am still furious with God for cheating you of your life. The anger and envy of all those who are not motherless sometimes get the best of me. Even though I am a Mother myself and should be celebrating, this time of year is so hard! I wish I could turn back time and be with you again. I fantasize about fast-forwarding through the month of May; anything to avoid the constant reminder of my loss.
And then, I remember my own children.
There will be no Rewind, and certainly no Fast Forward, for time flows fast enough as it is.
I left you laughing on the beach two weeks ago. Until next time, Mom...
The Present is calling and there are new memories to be made.
Very touching. A lovely tribute to your mother.
Posted by: Sugar Kane | May 09, 2007 at 01:50 PM
You had no tears? I'm here shedding buckets worth after reading that. Beautiful - your mom I'm sure is very, very proud of you. May you feel her loving embrace on Sunday - and always.
Posted by: Annie | May 09, 2007 at 02:10 PM
wow. i have goosebumps and my eyes are welling up. very touching.
Posted by: Jenny | May 09, 2007 at 02:54 PM
You're making me tear up! That was beautiful and I am sorry you lost your Mom!
Posted by: Toni | May 09, 2007 at 04:01 PM
Beautiful post.
Posted by: Colleen | May 09, 2007 at 05:04 PM
Beautiful.I wish I had that kind of relationship with my mother. I love reading about people who do.
Posted by: Shauna | May 09, 2007 at 05:22 PM
Maybe you could repost it on Sunday?Best wishes
Posted by: mcewen | May 09, 2007 at 05:50 PM
Oh, that's so amazingly, beautifully written. Absolutely heartwrenching. I especially loved how you described finding the video and how you wanted to hide it, but how it basically forced you to watch. I hope you'll submit this to Indiebloggers.com or other similar places where it can touch so many people.
Posted by: Brillig | May 09, 2007 at 05:59 PM
Ok, you had me teary. I am sorry that you lost your mom. ((HUGS))I lost my Gram, whom I was very close with, last June. I made a picture DVD with some of her favorite songs and songs that family picked out in her memory and sent it to everyone. I watch it and laugh, smile, and cry all at the same time.
Posted by: Lene | May 10, 2007 at 04:17 PM
This really make me cry...I haven't done that for awhile. I also miss her very much and wish I could turn back time. I also remember that great time in the Cayman Island with some of the best memories of her. Thank You for helping me remember these times we had together.Auntie Brenda
Posted by: Auntie Brenda | May 10, 2007 at 06:55 PM
I hope that you have a wonderful Mothers Day with your two beautiful children. Your mother would have been so proud of you and I am sure she knows what a great mother you are.Auntie Brenda
Posted by: Auntie Brenda | May 10, 2007 at 06:58 PM
That was so beautiful...and I have the tears and goosebumps too. Wow.
Posted by: Mommy's Getaway | May 10, 2007 at 09:02 PM
Loved reading this...beautiful!!!
Posted by: Erin | May 13, 2007 at 10:23 PM