How Strong Are Your Nerves?

Are you a parent?  

 

If so, do you consider yourself a paragon of parental fortitude or do you assume the fetal position whenever your child utters the slightest whimper?

 

 

 

Take my simple quiz and find out. I tried it myself this week, and it’s a lot of fun!

 

 

 

Directions: Attempt each step in order.  The further you get, the stronger your nerves. 

 

 

 

1. Schedule a pelvic exam for first thing on a Monday morning. If you are a man, make      it a digital rectal exam, or better yet, a cystoscopy. 

   

2. It should be pouring rain. That makes the drive so much more interesting.

   

3. Drink at least 4 cups of coffee to give yourself a nice edge.

   

4. Bring  along your sick and teething infant for company. Wake her up from her nap,  if possible. 

   

5. Don’t forget the sibling(s)! After all, they could always use more material for future therapy sessions.

   

6. Pack some snacks and toys to keep the kids occupied and hunger at bay. A portable DVD player is an asset. 

   

7. Make sure all children in diapers/training pants have consumed heaps of fruit the  day before. That way, they can poop for the third time just as you are  ready to walk out the door.

   

8. Give  all mobile children time to splash around in the puddles on the driveway.      For maximum effect, they must be good and wet. 

   

9. Listen to this    repeatedly on the way to the doctor's office while sodden offspring complain incessantly.

   

10. Sit and wait patiently for 45 minutes while your infant screams off and on. Attempt to read that 4 month old People magazine with Britney on the cover.  Ignore dirty looks from childless onlookers who are gazing in disbelief at your motley, soaked brood (who continue to complain about their wet clothes and the dismal selection of  waiting-room toys). 

   

11. Visit restroom to change infant's poopy diaper 30 seconds before you are called by the nurse. The water in the toilet bowl should make a nice distraction for your other little helpers.

   

12. Once in the exam room, undress from the waist down just before your preschooler  decides to open the door and make a break for it. Don’t worry, the paper drape provided will give you the illusion of modesty. 

   

13. Do not despair if your portable DVD player does not work, or if all of your carefully selected coloring books and toys are rejected one by one. The exam room contains many sights and      sounds waiting to delight your child(ren). Pregnancy wheels make fine Frisbees! Who needs toys when whacking obstetrical stirrups against an exam table makes such a pleasingly rhythmic “ka-thunk” “ka-thunk”? Never underestimate the draw of K-Y jelly for your little artiste!

   

14. If  your doctor’s timing is right, s(he) should glove up and begin your exam just as your baby resumes his/her crying. 

   

15. During your exam, make sure you provide detailed answers to pointed questions about your sex life in front of your children. That way they have something to share with their class during Circle Time.

   

16. Once all is complete, you should be partially dressed when preschooler once again makes an escape attempt. 

   

17. Make your follow-up appointment while  your child dumps the entire contents of the office treat jar while looking for something that doesn’t exist.  A tantrum should ensue.

   

18. Make a quick escape, lugging a crying infant in a car seat on one arm while dragging aforementioned screaming preschooler with the other. 

   

The End.

 

 

 

Okay, I don’t mean to brag, but not only did I complete all eighteen steps, but we even stopped to do the grocery shopping on the way home.*  This amazes me!   Just 4 months ago, I would have been reduced to a quivering mass of hormones by step seven.   Seriously, don’t I deserve an award? Where's my I Have Momma Nerves of Steel blog button, dammit!

   

So how did you do? Are you a Smug Momma with nerves of steel like me, or are you en route to the pharmacy to pick up your Xanax?

 

 

 

 *No children were tranquilized during the course of these real-life events.

   

 

Comments

[Lene]

Wow you definitely deserve that award! Hurry someone make one!What a morning for you. You really are one brave woman for going for THAT appt. with kids in tow. My stomach hurts just thinking about it. lol

[Toni]

I'm a wimp. No way would I schedule a cha-cha appointment on a MONDAY MORNING!

[binkytown]

I am impressed simply by the fact that you did all that with more than one. You deserve a button girl!

[Rebecca]

I don't know about the rest of it - but I have certainly mastered the ignoring mean looks from childless strangers bit of number 10. In fact I am just so good at the blank, uncomprehending, 'they're not mine' stare - that even though my kids continually shout "mum" right in my face, and pull on my arms and legs - strangers often start to wonder whether the badly behaved children following me around are actually mine.

[Dana]

I was done at #1. You are a way better person than I, and you definately deserve some kind of button!

[Anonymous]

Wow. That's quite a day. Um, MSM, you should always feel free to call me. I'd be happy to babysit RJ and Baby C. Then the "cha-cha appt" (that's funny!) could actually be looked upon as a treat! You could listen to a non-Disney tune en route, perhaps some adult contemporary? Soothing classical? Whatever floats your boat (and no images of robotic wooden dolls dressed in ethnic clothing flooding your mind). Then you could actually read up on poor Brit in that out of date People (I believe she's out of rehab now). And then you could enjoy that pelvic exam in the privacy of a quiet room. The 45 min. wait would mean 45 mins extra of ALONE time. : ) Seriously, call me next time! Stephanie

[Slackermommy]

Wow, all that without drugs? You are my hero! I very much enjoyed this post.

[Annie]

I gave up reading after about number 6 - it's too hard to read stuff that parallels your life so closely - it's bad enough going through it in real life ha ha!

[Jennifer]

I'm at my wits end and I didn't even have to go thru all this!Yikes. good for you for hanging in there!

[Brillig]

Oh. My. Holy. Crap. You are absolutely amazing, and I've just fallen to the floor in awe and admiration for your astonishing feats. I hope you got home, locked yourself in a closet, and ate pounds of ice cream while listening to your favorite music.

[Crazy Working Mom]

I didn't make it past line one! Hah hah...You're a brave soul and that was one funny post.

[Sugar Kane]

You are truly amazing!

[Shauna]

You rock! I'm exhausted after reading about it!

[Smiling Mom]

Funny!! Good job! My husband won't even leave the house when he has charge of the kids. You and all of us DO deserve a button!

[EE]

OMG...I couldn't have done it without the Xanax!!! You deserve mommy of the year!!!!

[mcewen]

I'd like to claim 'smugness' that would be a good fit, but it would also be a blatant lie. Well done you, you do deserve the award.Cheers

[moosh in indy.]

You got balls sweetie, pure balls.

[Stella]

I was done at #1!